The complaint

He doesn’t like that I watch true crime documentaries 

He doesn’t like that I turn my WhatsApp blue tick off

When I come to him with what’s affecting me emotionally he come with a defense that I don’t listen he said he doesn’t do anything when he is broke and I understand better now even if he kept telling me when I lost 6 puppies to get over it and let it go and be stronger now he sees it’s easier said than done he wants a marriage where because of financial issues you can choose to be disappointing and irritating causing the marriage to suffer can I put pregnancy on hold the answer is no because this is all wrong the timing the situation the problems how dare he tell me I am the problem he was told I type this with so much sadness in my heart this is not how I want to live my life and this is really sad I am alone in this God knows I am trying to cope with what I chose will he ever realize that he has been on the wrong track fucking me up mentally asking if I am the first to be pregnant like do people just choose to be horrible for reasons I can’t comprehend this marriage is not the best thing that has happened to me because if he can treat me this way knowing I am pregnant there is no saving.

The pain

I constantly have to overlook what I see and here endurance every woman should poses 

I dead to withdraw money I used in selling beds for the purpose of food stuffs and my dads birthday frame and the fuel for the car , I know the back aches it took me to make d money nd it took me a lot of courage to agree to get the food stuffs instead of saving it for my baby things even if when I was making the beds he kept saying all I am about is the bed and the bed I kept pushing thanks to my siblings for helping me out today I said he should take me to the market let’s get the food stuffs together he asked why my going to the market was dependent on his going nd that he was tired nd allergic to the market 😄 okay this is the end of the road I said it before I am on my own and it is what it is I owe no one anything and no one owes me anything let’s all do what we do on our own , I am 4 months pregnant currently treating malaria I still have to go to the market drive myself to and from come home cook and serve cook for the dogs nd then ask myself why I really got married in the first place if he was in my shoes I wouldn’t treat him this way and he knows it I can’t go back in time to change decisions but mehn if I could I will trade it for everything to get myself back 

I tried

Not to be seen as a bad human 

Not to let what people do change how I talk or how I respond 

Marriage is not what I pictured it to be because in the beginning I just wanted to love and be loved to respect and be respected 

Marriage now with pregnancy seems to be so much I didn’t plan for more so I never was mentally ready for any of this waking up to hours of uncertainty hearing complains say in and out happiness is far gone the joy is far gone honestly I don’t think what I feel is love at the moment but anger and disappointment this is not what I was promised this is not how I was this environment is toxic to us all and I am tired of being understanding and strong I am constantly hit with regrets I know I was in a hurry to pursue happiness the only the that made sense LOVE and it took the best part of me my sanity I have seen myself lose it timelessly but still manage to bounce back it’s exhausting and I never knew I would ever be so unhappy in my life been married I don’t see the light at the end of this tunnel .

No control

Pregnancy has not been easy for me for my body for my mind

It brings joy and tears to me most times I think about how much this is the wrong time but a blessing is a blessing regardless 

I am solely on my own on this with no one to properly guide me or support me all I get is judgment and disrespect complete misunderstanding 

I am the strongest person I know alive 

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for the mess I created but is all on me I did this to myself no one else did

People will be who they are I can’t blame them I blame me for feeling people are meant to do better