The complaint

He doesn’t like that I watch true crime documentaries 

He doesn’t like that I turn my WhatsApp blue tick off

When I come to him with what’s affecting me emotionally he come with a defense that I don’t listen he said he doesn’t do anything when he is broke and I understand better now even if he kept telling me when I lost 6 puppies to get over it and let it go and be stronger now he sees it’s easier said than done he wants a marriage where because of financial issues you can choose to be disappointing and irritating causing the marriage to suffer can I put pregnancy on hold the answer is no because this is all wrong the timing the situation the problems how dare he tell me I am the problem he was told I type this with so much sadness in my heart this is not how I want to live my life and this is really sad I am alone in this God knows I am trying to cope with what I chose will he ever realize that he has been on the wrong track fucking me up mentally asking if I am the first to be pregnant like do people just choose to be horrible for reasons I can’t comprehend this marriage is not the best thing that has happened to me because if he can treat me this way knowing I am pregnant there is no saving.

The pain

I constantly have to overlook what I see and here endurance every woman should poses 

I dead to withdraw money I used in selling beds for the purpose of food stuffs and my dads birthday frame and the fuel for the car , I know the back aches it took me to make d money nd it took me a lot of courage to agree to get the food stuffs instead of saving it for my baby things even if when I was making the beds he kept saying all I am about is the bed and the bed I kept pushing thanks to my siblings for helping me out today I said he should take me to the market let’s get the food stuffs together he asked why my going to the market was dependent on his going nd that he was tired nd allergic to the market 😄 okay this is the end of the road I said it before I am on my own and it is what it is I owe no one anything and no one owes me anything let’s all do what we do on our own , I am 4 months pregnant currently treating malaria I still have to go to the market drive myself to and from come home cook and serve cook for the dogs nd then ask myself why I really got married in the first place if he was in my shoes I wouldn’t treat him this way and he knows it I can’t go back in time to change decisions but mehn if I could I will trade it for everything to get myself back 

I tried

Not to be seen as a bad human 

Not to let what people do change how I talk or how I respond 

Marriage is not what I pictured it to be because in the beginning I just wanted to love and be loved to respect and be respected 

Marriage now with pregnancy seems to be so much I didn’t plan for more so I never was mentally ready for any of this waking up to hours of uncertainty hearing complains say in and out happiness is far gone the joy is far gone honestly I don’t think what I feel is love at the moment but anger and disappointment this is not what I was promised this is not how I was this environment is toxic to us all and I am tired of being understanding and strong I am constantly hit with regrets I know I was in a hurry to pursue happiness the only the that made sense LOVE and it took the best part of me my sanity I have seen myself lose it timelessly but still manage to bounce back it’s exhausting and I never knew I would ever be so unhappy in my life been married I don’t see the light at the end of this tunnel .

No control

Pregnancy has not been easy for me for my body for my mind

It brings joy and tears to me most times I think about how much this is the wrong time but a blessing is a blessing regardless 

I am solely on my own on this with no one to properly guide me or support me all I get is judgment and disrespect complete misunderstanding 

I am the strongest person I know alive 

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for the mess I created but is all on me I did this to myself no one else did

People will be who they are I can’t blame them I blame me for feeling people are meant to do better 

Disrespectful actions

Can’t blame me if I choose to be insecure and doubt him when he constantly talks with different exs 

Like yooo

First I was cool with the pat woman I mean she’s married with kids he doesn’t have a child with her they just relate .

I remember him been mad when I told him not to buy a T-shirt from a girl in Lagos  us it was too expensive her name was Jane nd I wondered why he would attack me like saying “I have male friends but I have issues with him buying things from his female friends nd stuffs” first of all I asked him if they ever dated he said yes okay how do you call ur ex your friend? Someone you had sexual relationships with is not considered your friend but your ex right I want to stop asking questions cus he is just going to keep it a secret if I keep asking questions 

I had no issues with him liking pictures of his ex. Name Ruth I think someone on his contact uploaded her picture on her birthday and he liked the pictures this was November few weeks to our wedding date I saw it and ignored. .. 

Now Andrea another person he had some Kind of entanglement with reached out to him and asked about wedding contacts and he engages in a chat with her about Mc nd dj contact he didn’t remember he was married and needed to stay away from any sort of communication that will paint the wrong picture of him and they spoke on phone about what I don’t know was I there no he came home and never mentioned that she reached out I didn’t say shit 

Okay I see girls items sometimes under the car seat and I ask how people misplace their item in his car well they are careless hence he works with his car 

I overlooked him driving and making a video of himself and two girls at the back hyping them I mean that’s fine you should be open to communicate with your clients sometimes it lifts their spirit 

And I saw videos of another female in his car while he drove she used his Snapchat to make videos of herself singing to the song and touching her breast repeatedly 

I was furious cus he was right ther while she was doing it he would make it seem like he turned his eyes away why didn’t he immediately insist he doesn’t want her to do that with his phone she would have apologized and given him back his phone you sat there and deleted the files like that is a perfect solution I asked him why he will allow such he said she begged him to use her phone and he had deleted the videos from his Snapchat but didn’t know she exported them to his gallery and said I know he won’t cheat on me or do anything with the opposite sex I never said anything about cheating I now wonder why that was his first defense 

If I never saw that video would he ever have mentioned it absolutely not I don’t know if I am acting crazy but how many people out there will overlook this much?  Cus with Al this I see why I just don’t know what I feel my dreams I can’t even talk about it last one I remember we were in a restaurant I was acting up cus he was more concerned about a girl there not been served food as he instructed and I asked why he didn’t care about me eating first he ignored me I got mad in d dream woke up didn’t see his calls I called him and we spoke I didn’t bring it up 

I can’t say I want to begin speaking with my exes too i mean it should be a good pay back but I can’t I won’t bring down my standards no matter what stay away from your ex trust me until you make a mistake u will never learn to listen by then it will be too late 

I am only human

Trying so hard not to have a heart attack at a young age I’ll have to be heartless to not feel the way I feel wondering if I did something wrong but then I can’t recall am I the only one filled with joy when he comes home? His response and busy he is makes it impossible for him to see the start’s that lit in my eyes and the smile I felt embarrassed like I was a child.. when you spend all day at work and you Com me home by 2 am I should be the one you’re giving the gist not Jenny at 2 am remember her bf followed her down to Benin cus he felt she was coming to see a man tho you said she came for our wedding she had to leave I don’t see reasons why you’re saying good morning love to her either you never said that to me she never responded to that cus ure married and her bf will read meanings to the smallest details any one will I emulated that from you now I guess we can say sorry love nd good night love to the opposite sex even tho we’re married doesn’t mean no harm I get it, how do I tell him to limit his involvement with ladies mostly those who are single they’ll mistake his kindness for something else I don’t want to mention names I kept spitting facts about one problem no one listened now that problem is out in the open and since the day of that awful accusation it’s like a different man came home to me this is just the reality I am done worrying done overthinking done speaking yet nothings done if I feel the need to talk and you’re not emotionally available for me to talk to I’ll write and I’ll be fine marriage is not for the weak and faint hearted and I am done been both I am strong I choose to be strong: 

I feel way better than I felt before I started writing this .

10:18 pm 

24th march 2023 

His complaints

 

1- Not sleeping at night (reasons insomnia,even when I took the whole bottle of the cough syrup yesterday while u said I was sleeping I didn’t sleep up to an hour woke up shaking, others are your sleeping pattern when you snore and the teeth stuff I just lay nd hold ur hands sometimes go help reduce ur stress while u sleep but it doesn’t help either I am not a deep sleeper an hour sleep goes a long way for me and I feel it’s explainable and understandable (you make it seem like I deliberately stay up which is unfair) I have bad dreams I have unexplainable dreams I use to dream nd see my enemy on a  horse ridding off a cemetery or falling off a cliff or been tied up seeing peoples death been attacked even killing others in the dream seeing u lie in the dream nd cheat nd have babies with outsiders even seeing my moms enemy nd mine been shot at seeing a baby chickens why on earth will I want to sleep? It’s just too much it was worse way back seeing native doctors in my room then sometimes they pressed my neck nd i was awake seeing them I woke up nd pee on myself I was going through hell in the sleep in reality I had bad relationships to deal with anxiety heart ache I had to be taking pills for a whole year guess what the dream worsened but now it’s better just not as bad as it was if I had the chance to not remember my dreams like others I would take it 

2- Pretending to be okay , I always hope for the best and I am terrible at pretending 

3-Pressing phone too much 

As much as we are in a computer age where we get everything regarding daily living and news online I can say you are right I will try to read books nd do more activities that doesn’t involve my phone all the time 

4- pressing my phone while you talk to me 

I will say this is done unintentionally , not to disrespect you I always engage in conversations with you and I pay attention regardless of my eyes been on or off you if only you don’t tag this as disrespect you will see it’s not Enough reason to get you angry most times ( the businesses I do I run online I monitor what I do post the feedback I am getting I watch people’s request nd status to see what I can deliver and then on the other hand I try to learn new things daily so no dog dies on my watch ) 

5- Bank alert this one is one of the most important I must say very little about a solution will always present itself turning alerts off gets to me cus I get stranded most times I can’t open my app but it’s done already and I don’t regret it it doesn’t make me poor in thinking basically these alerts are on the apps why do I need unnecessary messages of same alerts don my phone just to delete them later on yet wasted money in the process (I am very picky when it comes to money management I hate unnecessary spendings just to put money in the hands of ungrateful bastards forgive my language but it is what It is) I didn’t just turn it off I presented several options like my piggy nd zenith mainly piggy a solution you disregarded for same reason as mine (charges) even if you said it’s not about the charges if it wasn’t I feel you would easily have accepted the solution it is either you understand but want me to do it not because it’s best for me or you but because again you tag it as me been disobedient and me not listening to you . 

6-Sim network issues 

Everyone encounters this issue all over Nigeria regardless of the network of its bad in a location until you move it remains the same (not my fault the location plays a major role at this point)  one time you complained about not setting incoming calls to show I didn’t know I had to set it but then I later checked nd did it asap again if a network is shut down all over it remains useless until the server is back on I hav two phone and three SIM cards lost my Mtn it would have been 4 ( my ex forced me to get an Mtn sim cus according to him I need to let go of my old line everyone knows nd I wanted peace in that stupid relationship so why not I got the sim nd now it’s missing my point is I can in turn ask you to get an Airtel Glo nd etisalat line too but I wouldn’t cus I will keep calling until the network goes through two factors that affect the network it’s either the network from the server or dish itself is down or the location the carrier is at is the issue again not the owner of the phone is to be blamed Glo can work perfectly at isihor and go bad when you get to Arougba Mtn works great at Ugbowo bug goes bad when you get to irhirhi this is why you were unable to reach momcy all those times you said her number wasn’t always working try it now it goes effortlessly cus they moved to another location with better reception 😢 this really hurts I won’t lie 

7-not doing as I am told 

Again there is a truth to this and I won’t lie at all , we make sacrifices for the ones we love we fight hidden battles and still try to be in good shape cus we have responsibilities we are humans and we won’t move everytime I don’t move certain times when I am in my thoughts when I fee I am not been appreciated when I feel belittled I let my emotions get the best of me nd I pray now that I become as strong as you watching you cry and sleeping comfortably or barely knowing my words are hurtful but keeping to my stand still but can I do all these things? I am Ruth but I am not ruthless I am compassionate loving and caring I am like Mother Nature i live to nurture 😞 I am a happy being free spirited and gifted blessed beyond my own imagination I can’t allow myself gee any less regardless if do all these things and I don’t get same energy same upliftment  same encouragement i wouldn’t last it would be pointless me existing we play a lot we comfortable around ourselves but I never for one day see you as my equal NEVER I respect the unborn child the very little baby I give my all in anything I do if you think otherwise then I am highly misunderstood most times I am here but not in my body not even in this earth how can I move? 

8- Shouting 

Unintentionally I raise my voice out of frustration not to be disrespectful but to be heard same thing happened while I was In Lagos while those bastards played with my life and cut down on what I worked for they expected me to be quiet only I knew what I was going through the temptation I fought if I wasn’t smart enough I would have been a scape goat I was accused of something I didn’t do even if I had proofs to clear my name it would have destroyed their home that man nd his wife but I just wanted to come back home he said I raised my voice while I was in tears nd it was disrespectful I am calm in fact when I talk even you always ask me to speak up even my father Inlaw use to tease me about it then so if you hear me speak audibly just know I am at a breaking point and still trying to hold it together 

9-Dirty house a house will always get dirty and it will always get cleaned up the reason why it’s much of a big deal now is because I am home nd that’s the only thing I should be doing while you go out to do bolt nd the office work I can understand no one likes a dirty place there’s no excuse to this and one person can’t do it alone I can’t do business care for the dogs the house you and me all by my self but I can try harder you can’t do all the hustling all by yourself that’s why I try too cus I always have, people don’t get cleaners because they are lazy people time will come cleaning your own house will be a privilege cus you find out there’s joy in it but when u are tired nd stressed you just want to lay on a bed after a nice meal give it little more time everything will fall into place we were better when we were dating I can swear this on anything we are good people I just don’t know what exactly the problem is ill likely go to AUCHI for a while so we take out time to be on our own and decide if this is what we really want to argue everything out of anything and ask ourselves why we chose to get married in the first place cus the way I see it I said my vows to you we only had witnesses but no one answered on our behalf it was us so if we can’t get it together then the devil already won and it’s sad 

10-No food 

I love cooking I loved cooking with you been in the kitchen watching you doing random stuffs the light contributed to the reduction in a way cus food can’t spoil when there’s foodstuffs I have no excuse to not cook even when I am sick I still get to cook there’s no excuse at all , I find ways to be creative to make you happy when I am unhappy no matter the magic my food tastes different and you know this a happy wife is a happy home a happy husband is a happy family I promised to make sorel drink nd fruit salad nd I made efforts I didn’t forget I just need you to be on my side not against me cus I hate the version of me after every years I hate been cold I know how I can be nd I avoid anything that would tamper with my true love if it does nothing wakes it up it’s why I keep making up excuses but then watching me break down I will never be in that place again I am not the little child I was i have to build my home cus this responsibility is forever as God pleases 

11- trap music